Baseball, as they say, does a great job policing itself.
That means if a player disgraces the sport with a career of drug use to fraudulently “earn” a half a billion dollars and assault the record book, he can expect a fast ball in the ribs.
There, all better. Problem solved. No need to bring in the commissioner or, possibly, law enforcement. Baseball justice.
What baseball really needs now more than ever is some honesty.
After Red Sox pitcher Ryan Dempster plunked the modern-day Yankee Clipper Alex Rodriguez Sunday night, the pitcher and his manager both denied that the pitch was on purpose.
You do not have to be John Kruk or Curt Schilling to know that Dempster’s pitch was intentional. In fact, you do not even have to be human. My dog could see that it was not an accident.
Granted, she is a very smart dog.
Even though Kruk and Schilling did not seem to get it, Dempster received a lot of praise for throwing at A-Fraud on national television.
In a couple of weeks, nobody will remember Dempster’s name, though. With the right public relations advice, the pitcher will be remembered forever for his good deed.
For … ev … er.
So, for the first time in a couple of years I am dusting off my expert public relation skills and offering them up for free to my new favorite baseball player.
Here is a speech I suggest Dempster read during his next appearance before the media:
“Did I hit Alex Rodriguez on purpose the other night? Are you kidding? You’re damn right I did! (Note: practice Jack Nicholson impersonation to deliver that line properly.)
“I will do it again the next time I face the fraud, too.
“Am I afraid I will be suspended or fined because of admitting the intent of the pitch? No. I should not be fined or suspended. In fact, I should be honored for it. I should get a bonus.
“The pitchers who did not drill the cheater when they had the chance should be the ones who are fined and/or suspended.
“I doubt he will admit as much, but you know Bud Selig loved it when my mediocre fastball hit A-Roid in the ribs. I will bet he jumped off his couch and celebrated.
“Actually, I know Bud will never admit this publicly because he does not have the stones to stand up and really do the right thing. If Kenesaw Mountain Landis could throw “Shoeless” Joe Jackson out of baseball, then Selig should stand up and stop letting a cheater play in games that actually matter.
“If Landis was in charge, an A-Bomb would have been dropped on A-Rod years ago. He would be annoying fans and teammates in Mexico or Japan by night.
“A-Rube’s teammates were even happy to see him get hit because not only is the guy a cheater, he is also a rat. He ratted out his own teammate, Francisco Cervelli, among others simply to deflect some heat from himself.
“That he is a rat makes me wish that I could throw harder than 90 miles per hour.
“I did the Yankees a favor by throwing at him. That is why his teammates walked ever so slowly out of the dugout to ‘defend’ their teammate.
“The only people upset were Joe Girardi and Brett Gardner. Girardi was upset because he has the obligation to defend his players, even when they are as despicable as that boob.
“I cannot tell you why Gardner is upset. Maybe he is A-Rod’s little lap-dog buddy. ‘Wanna kill a cat, hey Spike, hey Spike? ‘
“Or maybe Gardner wants to protect his provider. Or maybe Gardner wants to try to make sure A-Dope does not rat him out, too. You just know he is going to sing like a canary when his case finally goes to arbitration.
“I heard John Kruk and Curt Schilling could not understand why I did it. Next time I will sprinkle a little ketchup on my sock before I bean a batter so Schilling will better understand.
“Kruk gets it. I know he does. He just does not have the … well, you know … to come out and say it.
“I will, however, admit to some regret in Sunday’s incident. I regret that I did not hit his giant melon the second time he came up to bat. That way neither of us would have been in the game for his steroid jerk over the center-field wall.
“If I get the chance to face the Yankees again this season, you bet your sweet behind that I will throw at A-Rod again. I will throw at Gardner now, too.
“Actually, I have two regrets. Since A-Fraud was too yellow to charge the mound, I wish I would have charged the plate after I plunked him.
“If baseball is really going to police itself when it comes to steroid use, then we need to take a stand. Every time A-Rod or any other cheater/rat comes to the plate, he should be plunked in the leg on the first pitch.
“We should knock the cheating catchers on their butts. We should slide spikes up at the cheating infielders.
“All the players know who is cheating. It is not quantum physics. We do not need a blood or urine test to tell us that. If we take charge of the enforcement of the rules then the fans will be able to identify the frauds by their limp.
“Can you imagine what greats like Bob Gibson would have done if a player tried to cheat like A-Roid back in his day? A-Roid would be dead. Or clean.
“Instead, the clown has a bump on his ribs. Big whoop. Since the sociopath cannot see shame when he looks in the mirror, at least now he has to see an ugly bruise when he turns to stick another needle in his buttocks.
“So, yeah, I did it on purpose. You got me.
“Even more, I am glad I did it, and I will do it again. I encourage my colleagues to do the same.
“Good night. Peace out.”
“Knibb High football rules.”
— Sportswriter Bill Foley, whose speech-writing services are also available to politicians and toast masters, writes a column that appears on ButteSports.com on Tuesdays. Email him at email@example.com. Follow him at twitter.com/Foles74.